9.29.06 On Work and My Subjectivity

October 28, 2007

As I was eating my tuna sandwich, staring at my arm, hand and food, as well as the tinfoil rapping beneath it, I suddenly became acutely aware of my own subjectivity. I am not sure what caused this sudden recognition, but whatever the cause, it had a profound effect on my state of mind. I chewed my food and noticed that it felt like the my “me” was residing in the front-middle of my skull, directly behind my eyes. My legs and other body parts not involved in my current perceptive process didn’t even seem like a part of me until I moved them.

I also noticed that this sudden awareness caused an anxiety about interacting with others. I thought of a conversation I had just had with someone sitting across the desk who was no longer in the room. It seemed that if they were to re-appear, they would be much farther away from me at this point than they had been minutes before. Instead of my “me” being “me”, flat pressed against the physical bounds of my bodily unit, “me” was now distanced from that physical boundary, hovering somewhere in the center of the skull behind my eyes. By reductive logic, that must have meant that “I” was somewhere in the small area between the back of my skull and the back of my eyes. In my normal state, “me” takes up the whole space and transitions smoothly into the rest of my body (the skull being the control center in contact with the rest of the body). Now, the pilot and the controls were momentarilly two separate entities.

Working such long hours in front of the computer using web-based applications and virtual visual/informational spaces has contributed to an exaggerated sense of subjectivity. My “me” is almost being drawn out of its little cavernous abode and transitioning through my eyes into the cube-shaped monitor that hosts the larger web-subjectivity that joins me with the rest of the firm, my coworkers and the outside internet…

More later.

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